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This is an article I wrote for the Northern Iowan a little while ago:




Whatever college experience you are searching for, the odds are it includes at least a few parties here and there. Since enrolling at UNI a painfully long time ago, I’ve been to dozens of parties, and hosted a least a couple dozen of my own. In the month of October, I’ve been to no less than six parties, ranging in size from small (10 guests or less) to large (30 or more), and in quality from pathetic to great. Despite the better experiences, I am amazed at how commonly people botch their parties by doing things that should be obvious.

Here are a few tips for both hosts and guests. You may ask yourself "Why should I listen to this guy, he’s just some tool who writes for the school paper?" This may be, but if I didn’t see so many mistakes at parties, I wouldn’t have to write this sort of thing. Much of it may seem obvious, but the rules are violated more than I can believe at times.

Hosts:

-Don’t have any illegal drugs on the premises. You may think your roommate’s Grateful Dead poster laden bedroom is as secure as a NORAD nuclear bunker, but trust me, it isn’t.

-Don’t allow smoking indoors, unless you know every single guest won’t mind. Being at the center of a smoke box can be deeply uncomfortable for a non-smoker, especially if they have allergies or asmatha. If someone needs to smoke, let them go on the patio, balcony, or lawn. Having a receptacle for discarded cigarettes wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.
-If you party is medium to small size, provide snakcs such as pretzels, peanuts, M&M’s, chips and dip, pizza rolls, or whatever.

-If there is a game such as beer pong or cards, LET PEOPLE PLAY! While I know it must sound like blasphemy to suggest tinkering with the strict rules of a holy beer pong game, if someone wants to join in, let them.

-Don’t think that because you are the host you should abuse your right to act like a stupid jerk. Grilling unrecognized guests like they are terror suspects or consistently bee-lining for the last drink or bossing the guests around reeks of narcissism.

-Choose your guests carefully! This can be the hardest part of setting up a party, but can be the most important part. If Tony just stole Tom’s girlfriend, then perhaps you should leave one of them off the list, as hard as that may be. Life is politics, unfortunately, and there are decisions to be made.

-Rule: Someone who you are certain will show won’t, and someone that you think will skip will walk through your door. Count on it.

-Beware themes. Having a costume party can be fun, but the number of guests who will show up in little to no costume can be staggering, and ruin the atmosphere for those who followed the rules.

-Have places ready for people to sleep. I know we’ve all heard approximately one billion drunk driving lectures, and by now most of us have decided whether or not to heed them. But the less dangerous behavior we can encourage, the better.

-Know when and when not to involve video games in your party. On one hand, they can be great at fostering a group spirit and communication with guests who may otherwise have a hard time starting a discussion. On the other, they can also numb down the senses of the players and take up valuable space around the TV. Bring out the Playstation 2 wisely.

-Talk to your neighbors first. While the ditzy blondes across the street and the Dance Dance addicted doofus downstairs may seem like they’re cool with your noise, there’s a good chance they aren’t. 10 minutes of going door to door could save you a six hour police search, as I once learned the hard way.

-BYOB is great if you want your party to be DOA. If I wanted to drink a 12 pack of Budweiser I just picked up at the gas station, I’d stay home, because there I can watch "Seinfeld" and not wear any pants. Your guests will thank you for providing drinks instead of assigning them a chore. Bite the bullet and get a keg or make some punch.

-This is the most important rule of all: If you just want to hang out with your stupid clique, don’t invite anyone else. I’ve gone to an appalling number of parties where the host and his 7 idiot friends constantly tell in-jokes and don’t talk to anyone they aren’t already intimately familiar with. A good party mixes the old with the new.

Guests:

-If your friend is questionable, do not bring him. Do you really think that the host wants you to bring a kleptomaniac , a dim-witted drunken oaf, or the immature frat boy who drops his pants and screams racial slurs to their party? Bringing someone like that along reflects as poorly on you as it does your friend.

-Mingle with the guests you DON’T know. The more different from you, the better. A lot of the education most people get from college doesn’t come from the classroom, but through the ones they meet. If someone is by himself or herself, show some character and say hello.

-Related to that last point, don’t show up only to sit in the corner and sulk. You can just as easily do that at home or at a poetry reading. Often, these people are begging for attention in a way that nearly equals the loud-mouthed frat boy’s desperate pleas for acknowledgement.
Don’t get loaded and throw your hands in the dip or urinate on the couch. You’re seriously risking a justifiable beating.

-If the host has a theme, adhere to it! Just because it’s a Halloween party doesn’t mean that throwing on a cowboy hat or the clothing of the opposite sex is an acceptable substitute for a real costume; put some effort and/or thought into your attire.

- Related to my BYOB point, if you bring alcohol, you'd better be willing to share it.

-Contrary to popular belief, politics and religion are great conversation topics, as long as you are respectful to one another. You’d be surprised what you can learn just by listening! There is one topic to be wary of, however; science. If you go to a party and insist on talking about protons or calculus, you’re just begging to be ridiculed. Obvious exception: parties full of math and science majors.

-If someone acts like a jerk or wants to start something with you, swallow your pride and walk away. Nothing is tackier at a party than two people screaming or fist fighting.

-If you volunteer to help or bring something over, then you better damn well do it.

-Thank the host! Unless you had an egregiously awful time due to a factor that the host could have fixed, the right thing to do is to show gratitude for having you as their guest.