191 - Annapolis review

Annapolis occupies an unusual space in the history of military films. Made post-9/11, it does not once mention the world-altering event, nor are the words "Iraq" or "Afghanistan" mentioned even once. Being in the armed forces is shown to be the most noble pursuit in the history of man, yet the characters have nothing whatsoever to say about patriotism or a good word to spare for their country. It’s as if two different writers with wildly different philosophies took turns writing ten pages at a time on the screenplay, except that they both share a love of decades old movie cliches.

James Franco stars as Jake Huard, a Naval Academy student who shows how edgy he is by giving everyone the evil eye, or maybe he was just constipated, I don’t know. He gives up his day job of shipbuilding across the Chesapeake Bay in order to fulfil his mother’s dying wish, which is that he go to Annapolis and become an officer. His father (Brian Goodman, who was once memorably executed by Jack Bauer in 24’s second season) quietly disapproves, but don’t worry, he’ll eventually give Jake a firm nod of approval.

Despite terrible grades and a serious attitude problem, he gets in, because there’s no way you could center a movie about a Naval Academy recruit around a realistic character type. The audience can only feel empathy for a jerk who rejects the aid of his peers and doesn’t have a good reason for being there in the first place.

Once in the Naval Academy, he goes to work learning about all the things a good officer should know: scrubbing toilets until they’re spotless, feuding with your bunkmates, scoring with your hot superior officer (Jordana Brewster), feuding with your black superior officer (Tyrese Gibson), and boxing. The trainers simulate combat deaths by making Jake stake the meals of his comrades on trivia questions. I once read that the United States Navy have these bizarre devices that float on water, carry important things, and shoot missiles at our enemies, but those must not have anything to do with the Naval Academy, which in Annapolis is strictly concerned with obstacle courses and boxing.

While Jake trains hard to kick his superior officer’s ass in a climatic boxing match, he also helps his roommate Twins (Vicellous Reon Shannon), a guy fat enough to make me look thin, work out in order to complete the obstacle course. Twins hides Twinkies in his drawer and blubbers about how disappointed everyone in his redneck town will be when he flunks out of Annapolis, which raises the legitimate question of how a man his size would pass his physical. But James, you might say, Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket featured a grossly overweight recruit, and I just love that fucking movie. Two points there:

1. Private Pyle was incredibly fat, and look at what happened to him. And poor Sergeant Hartman.

2. When Justin Lin, director of Annapolis, makes a movie half as good as the average Kubrick film, I’ll let it slide.

1.5 out of 5