I read this article from Esquire which suggests 75 skills men should master. Some are bullshit, but I really enjoyed it. I then impulsively threw together my own list of things that men should be able to do. Highly subjective, of course. And only 30 of them.
1. Don't announce things that you intend to do and then not deliver. I should listen to this one. If you tell people that you're going to do something cool or have them over for cocktails or move to Maine, odds are they'll expect you to do it. Failing that, you look unreliable, and it becomes hard to take you seriously.
2. Learn to order at a drive-thru. Few people actually do this properly. Figure out your order quickly and announce it into the speaker-box in a clear, steady voice. When you've laid out your order, finish by saying "and that's all." Don't ask stupid questions ("is that any good?" "what sort of stew do you have today?"), don't yell, don't just stop talking when you're done.
3. Don't force politics or religion on someone who clearly doesn't want to talk about it. I like talking politics, others religion. But if one party would rather talk about something else, take the hint and drop it. You and everyone around you will be grateful that you did.
4. Know a few classic films and your opinion on them. Too many people can only talk about films made ten years after they were born, when in fact only a single digit number of people still alive were around before the medium. Make an effort to see some classics and be able to discuss them should you run into someone like me. Here are some suggestions: Modern Times (1936), Citizen Kane (1941), Rashomon (1950), The Searchers (1956), Vertigo (1958), A Hard Day's Night (1964), Aguirre: the Wrath of God (1972), Raging Bull (1980), Blade Runner (1982), Hard Boiled (1992).
5. Find a film director you like and watch all of his or her work. This isn't as hard as it sounds. While picking John Ford is certain to give you a life's mission that could take years of effort, there are fantastic directors like Terrence Malik or Alexander Payne who have only made a few films. Learn all about this director; recurring themes and motifs, frequent collaborators, dates and box office grosses.
6. Have at least one sports team you can claim to follow. You don't have to worship them or memorize the career stats of every single player on the team, but being able to sincerely follow and admire a major sports team will come in handy. Go into a party or a bar and you will always find someone that you can discuss that one point with, no matter what.
7. Let the baby have its bottle. This is especially hard yet important. Disputes with colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and whoever else are difficult to ignore, especially when you're right. But whenever you find yourself worked up over a conflict, stop and ask yourself this simple question: is it worth it? The answer will either be yes or no, and if it's the latter, drop it and walk away. You'll be glad you did.
8. Do not let anyone tell you how to feel. People try to control each other by dictating their feelings to one another. Despite this, the one thing that no one should ever be able to tell you what to do is how to feel. If you dislike someone, don't apologize for it or let another tell you you're in the wrong. If you find yourself attracted to someone your friends don't care for, then remind them that you're the one who will have to date them. Thought control is the worst and yet the most common form of manipulate and dominance.
9. Listen to those who care about you. It really isn't as hard to reconcile numbers 8 and 9 as it might seem. When a friend or relative offers their opinion to you, deep down inside you can tell if it is in your best interest or their's. That they care about you doesn't mean that you have to take their advice, just that you should consider it before doing the opposite.
10. Figure out what political issues mean the most to you and do some homework. Few things are worse than a person who pontificates about issues they don't really know shit about. If you want to be the local authority on abortion law or the Iraq war or health care, sit down and read about it. Pick up a book that takes the exact opposite side you do and read it. If I can slog through a book written by the head of the Violence Policy Center, then you can read a book about why abortion on demand is cool or why the Iraq war was justified.
11. Watch the original Star Wars films. I meet people all the time who have never done this. If you're one of them, do it.
12. Find some bloggers you like and follow their work. The Internet has a lot to offer, believe it or not, and there are blogs on virtually every issue imaginable. Find a few written by people you respect and make sure to check up on them at least once a week.
13. Don't overspend on your car. I received a brand new Chevy Malibu in 2001 for my 17th birthday. At the time I figured that I would have the car for two years and then get another brand new one. Today, I'm almost 24 and am planning on keeping the car for several more years, even though I could get a new one if I wanted to. Cars can be cool, but unless you're wealthy or a dedicated enthusiast, it's a waste of money to frequently buy new ones.
14. Don't envy the rich. In truth, most rich people probably deserve their money.
15. Don't scorn the poor. Life's tough at the bottom. They're probably not much unhappier than the rich.
16. Be able to load, unload, and shoot a gun. We may no longer live by the gun, but it's naive to think that they don't have a place in our world. Love them or hate them, you never know when your knowledge of one might come in handy. Find a friend who owns a semi-automatic handgun (such as a Glock 17) or a center-fire rifle (such as a civilian AK-47 or a Mini-14) and learn the process; charging the mags, working the action, shooting the weapon. Aim down right down the iron sight and don't pull but squeeze the trigger. Don't whine about the recoil or some imaginary safety concern, because that's the domain of the wuss. If you don't know someone with one of those (and you all do), then ask a friend with something easier, such as a lever-action .22 or a over-under shotgun, and get acquainted with that. Offer your pal a few bucks for the ammo you spend. You don't have to like it; I took someone shooting once and they told me they hated guns more than ever.
17. Learn facts that everyone should know that but most don't. Be able to name all 50 states. Learn something about the 8th president. Know what years the Civil War was fought and what were the most important battles. Be able to name your congressman, your governor, and your senators.
18. Throw a party. A lost art, apparently. I wrote a whole article about this two years or so ago that remains one of the best things I've ever written. What sort of party you throw can say a lot about you as a person; how many friends you have, your personal tastes, your ability to lead and play both match and peace maker. No matter what sort of party you throw, treat it as a job and care equally about every guest.
19. Learn the streets in your area. You don't have to be walking Mapquest, but I know lifelong residents of Cedar Falls who can only name three or four different streets. Slightly less worse are the college students who can only name two despite living in town for four or more years.
20. Offer your expertise. When I meet people who work on short stories or papers related to film, I almost always offer my assistance, even if I don't care for that person. Most people say no, but it's almost always appreciated. Everyone has a talent or a skill (car repair, karate, guitar) that can aid others in some way, and by offering yours you can gain respect and attention for it. Obviously, it's also the decent thing to do.
21. Ask people about them. You can tell a lot about a person by how much they appear to care about others. I routinely encounter people that I've known for years who could visibly care less if I dropped dead in front of them. On the other hand, I also encounter people who ask how I'm doing and actually listen when I reply. That shows character.
22. Be able to spot a sociopath. Know what a sociopath is? They are human beings that lack empathy. To a sociopath, your only value is what you can do for them. But the good news is that most are not at all hard to spot. They're charming and intelligent, and never seem to disagree with anything you say. Nothing is ever their fault for any reason. Most people might like them but very few seem to love. Once you spot a sociopath, steer clear at all costs. If you have one in your family, consider a divorce.
23. Be able to consume hot peppers and sauce. I mean the really hot stuff, not just Tabasco. Many would rather eat a live cockroach than a burrito topped with real hot sauce, the sort of fiery condiment that fries your skull and changes your tongue into a miniature replica of a star, but a real man should learn not just how to handle it, but to love it, cherishing the experience. And don't even thinking about squealing and guzzling water like you're a child.
24. Accept that some people deserve whatever they've got coming to them (and more). Even if you oppose the death penalty, you need to know that there are people out there who are so vile that their life is hardly worth the gunpowder it takes to propel the bullet into their brains. That's why Batman and Spider-Man are for kids; their character arcs don't accommodate a serious desire for revenge and justice.
25. Don't spend more than five minutes a year talking about cartoons from your youth. Stop living in the past, man.
26. Realize that the person you worship the most is just another person. Having an idyllic view of your girlfriend or Ronald Reagan or a football star only serves to distance yourself from the truth about people: we're all flawed, finite creatures with a litany of disgusting biological processes. We each have desires and attempt to satisfy them in one way or another. Some people are better than others. Keeping this in mind at all times will allow you a much more accurate and measured view of the world.
27. Learn to enjoy your beer. So many don't.
28. Admit when you're wrong. People who can admit when they're wrong are sick of being in the extreme minority. It's much easier to get along with people when you at least attempt to atone for the mistakes you've made, and much harder when you bitterly resist the notion that you are ever at fault for anything.
29. Learn what ready means. It doesn't mean ready to get ready. It means ready.
30. Learn to talk about politics and religion. I know these can be unpleasent subjects to discuss, but you're an adult, right? People should be able to discuss serious issues without dissolving into a pool of discomfort.
Adam Ross adds:
31. Learn to sip whiskey. It doesn't always need to go down in one gulp. Enjoy it.
Paul Clark adds:
32. Be proficient in at least one sport. Learn to shoot a three or throw a decent pitch. Be good enough that you can enjoy a pickup game or play with kids.
33. Be able to confidently sing a song from stem to stern. Not all of us are Pavarotti, but that's not important. If you know the words, you can have fun with them enough to cover up any vocal deficiencies you might have.
34. Know how to tip. No being a cheapskate, Mr. Pink. 15-20% is standard, so unless your server vomits on your meal, tip them at least that much, and more for a job well done. And if you're drinking, always tip the bartender in cash. Remember, in the U.S. people who don't tip are considered worse than Hitler.
35. Back rubs and foot massages are always appreciated by women. The key is to help them relax, so take your time and be patient. And always pay attention to what she enjoys- don't just give the same massage every time.
36. Be able to easily unhook a bra. Grasp with your fingers and pull in opposite directions. Voila. If you can't do it with one hand, try two, just don't fumble with it, because that ain't cool at all.
7 comments:
Nicely done! A few thoughts:
No. 6 -- a little dangerous, because it opens the door for more people becoming fans of the Patriots, Spurs, Trojans simply because they win so much and very little suffering will come about from it.
No. 17 -- It's also nice to know facts that most people wish they knew, like being able to read those extra long Roman numerals at the end of movies.
No. 25 -- Still working on this one.
One more: Learn to sip whiskey (it doesn't always need to go down in one gulp).
Thanks, Adam!
6. I am a huge Spurs fan and I assure you that there is much suffering being done on my part right now.
17. I myself try to master dates. Once you learn historical dates, most things just fall into place.
25. I myself mention "Salute Your Shorts" a little too often. Not a cartoon, but close enough.
I'll add 31!
I was reading this list while eating dinner. Dinner = chicken vindaloo from the Indian restaurant down the street. So yeah, I'm down with #23. :-)
Also, hell yes Adam. You're inspiring me to go crack into my bottle of Macallan Elegencia after I finish eating.
Good list, man. I actually don't object to anything you've included here, even the one about guns. I don't really like firearms, but I did take riflery classes at summer camp when I was in Boy Scouts, so I'm not just some granola hippie peacenik who'll never touch the damn things.
I've got another one- be proficient in at least a handful of sports. You don't have to be awesome or even all that good, but you should at least know the rules and procedures enough to play along and have fun. If you ARE awesome, learn to dial down your skills for a friendly bunch, especially if there are kids around. It may look cool if you can throw a 75-mph fastball or punt a football 50 yards, but there really isn't much practical use for this when you're just playing a pickup game with family.
If you're un-atheletic like me, at the very least be good enough to play with kids. My girlfriend's son plays baseball, and sometimes I pitch to him so he can practice. I'm no Nolan Ryan by any means, but the ball makes it over the plate most of the time, which is really all he needs. And if you're not quite up to snuff, at least learn to talk a good game and joke around. Most kids just play for fun anyway, and even if you suck, making them laugh will alleviate a lot of problems that might otherwise come out of it.
A few more ideas:
- Know how to throw together a meal with what's on hand. It's one thing to make a list and cook according to a recipe, but real talent in the kitchen comes from the ability to improvise. It doesn't need to be fancy- it can be as simple as a salad combination you haven't tried before that somehow works. As my grandmother says, the important thing to know when you're cooking is what goes with what. Once you figure that out, most of your work is done for you.
- Be able to confidently sing a song from stem to stern. Not all of us are Pavarotti, but that's not important. If you know the words, you can have fun with them enough to cover up any vocal deficiencies you might have.
- Know how to tip. No being a cheapskate, Mr. Pink. 15-20% is standard, so unless your server vomits on your meal, tip them at least that much, and more for a job well done. And if you're drinking, always tip the bartender in cash.
- Back rubs and foot massages are always appreciated by women. The key is to help them relax, so take your time and be patient. And always pay attention to what she enjoys- don't just give the same massage every time.
- And speaking of women, if you can't remove a brassiere without a whole lot of fumbling around by the time you're 30, you'd better have a damn good reason.
Steve: Excellent. I went to a chicken wing festival with six people once and we all tried the hottest wing there. Remember the part in Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels eat those hot candy and start squirting ketchup in their mouths? Yeah, I was the only one who didn't do that, and ever since I've eagerly lambasted people on their meager hot sauce consumption abilities.
Paul: I debated including the one about the guns because I know that most people aren't half as interested in them as I am, but I decided on it because their knowledge can be practical unless you live in Japan. I personally delight in manipulating all sorts of firearms, but learning the basics is pretty good for most. Treat every gun as if it were loaded and not much can go wrong.
Dude, I totally meant to include one about tipping. Nice one. I've added all of your other suggestions, as well.
A fine list James. I especially agree with learning to shoot a gun, and have a few more things to add in a similar vein.
Know how to build a fire. In a survival situation, a fire is one of your most useful tools and allies. It can cook food, purify water, act as a signal for rescuers, keep you warm, and (often overlooked) give you something to keep your mind off of how lost and creepy it is out in the middle of nowhere. You don't have to be able to produce flame from two sticks rubbed together, but using a cigarrette lighter to start kindling isn't a piece of cake if you've never done it before.
Learn how to cook. You don't have to be a competitor on Top Chef, but knowing your way around a kitchen is handy. It can impress women and will keep you happier as a bachelor while you find women to impress. If you think cooking needs to be difficult, I suggest the book "A Man, a Can, a Plan" which offers simple recipes made from basic canned foods. You'll also want to have a fancy specialty to make for that special someone the first time she says "Lets just stay in and make something." James is familiar with 'The Tao of Steve' in which the protagonist makes Mango Mahi Mahi. At the very least, learn how to properly grill a steak (not turn delectable beef into leather or charcoal). As a side note (and nod to #23) there is no such thing as too much garlic.
Learn to tie a few knots. By a few I mean four. Square knot, Bowline, Tautline hitch and two half hitches are the most useful knots I ever learned in Boy Scouts. If you want to go for extra credit, learn how to do a square lashing, and you'll be able to survive comfortably next to that fire you should be able to build.
Of course, now I see that Paul already hit my point about cooking.
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